Day 1
"No no no don't leave me please!", she said.
"Everybody changes. Everybody leaves", her mind whispered.
"But I can't help being the way I am."
"Neither can they."
Day 2
Dear world,
It's been a hard day today. Not because I had too much work in office, but because I was trying very hard not to give up and come back home. I'm proud to say I didn't give up. My hands were shaking sometimes, I wish I could've talked to someone and told them how I felt, but still.. I didn't give up. The medicines helped, not much else. Everything feels overwhelming these days - driving, walking, standing up, blinking. Any movement feels forced, like I'd rather be frozen. Why am I feeling this way? Because something broke inside my mind, again. It happens sometimes, once in a few years I guess. Hopefully it will come slower and less frequently as I grow even older. Why does it break? Because I'm overwhelmed by feeling too much about something, many somethings. It's just the way I'm built, a little broken. Everything is too bright or too dull, life is beautiful or horrible. There's so little grey. So it breaks my mind up when there's so many colours, so much darkness all at once. Why am I telling you this? Because I have no one else to talk to.
Day 3
Another day has gone, every day feels less overwhelming than the one before. But it's strange that the whole week has passed by and I don't even remember anything between Sunday and today, Friday, except my doctor's visit. And taking medicines, so many little pills, morning, noon and night. I even forget if I took them sometimes, I don't know if I've skipped some or taken it twice. It's been a week that never was.
Day 4
It's easy to hide under my blanket on the weekends and close my eyes. If only I didn't need to open them again, I'd be happy. But I do have to get up sometimes, to walk my dogs, to eat, to take a shit. And when you start getting up for the small things, you think of getting up for bigger things too once in a while. Like taking that long walk with your dog, thinking about watching a movie. It's all possible as long as the pills don't put me to sleep again. Then I'll hide and not come out till I have to.
Day 5
It's been a bad day. Even as it started out, I knew it would be. I was trying to wean off one of the meds, I didn't like how it made me feel. Like a zombie. I wanted to go to the forest and start practising with my dog for long runs. Nothing much, 7km at first to begin with. We looked forward to it. Then I just didn't get up. There was always the evening to get up and run, right? Always an easier path around my house. Always a person around to mock me. Always something to look forward to, only to have it taken away by someone's malice and pride. Always something to trigger another attack, another SOS dose, another setback. Always another day to dread.
Day 6
What do I want for this valentines day? No more horror after horror after horror. No more black and white and overwhelming feelings for everything and everyone. No more helplessness as someone pushes me down under the heel of his shoe, or punches me in the face when he feels slighted, or calls me mad and fucked up and deranged. Will there ever be a day when I'll be free?
Day 7
It feels nice to empower yourself. Strong. Self-sufficient. Until you remember the threats. Until you remember that you can't protect yourself from harm, from injury. You can't protect your dogs, your family, or your friends. Then empowerment tastes like ashes in your mouth and is just a hollow drum to beat.
Needless to say, it's getting worse. The trembling won't stop now. The meds are not helping today. I wish I had more work to do so I could forget everything, but I don't. I wish, I wish, I wish... I wish so many things were not as they are. I wish someone would see me, see beyond the smile and the small talk, and care to ask if I'm alright. But I'm not ok. How I wish I was!
